Somebody answer the phone....and please know what you're talking about.

"Thank you for calling your bank."

No, thank you for ripping me off at every possible chance and telling giant porkies to take more money away from me than necessary.

"Please press 1 for someone slightly annoying to talk to, 2 for someone really annoying, 3 for someone to patronise and belittle you and 4 if you're really into hardcore verbal abuse. 

I  press 1.

"Please enter your customer number, followed by the hash key. If you do not know your customer number, please hold."

I hold.


"Please enter your customer number, followed by the hash key. If you do not know your customer number, please hold."

URK. I don't know my customer number, muppet IVR, so I'm holding.

"Please enter your customer number," I'm hearing attitude from the IVR, I swear it, "followed by the hash key. If you do not know your customer number, please hold."


"ARGH" and randomly press numbers, to the tune of  Twinkle Twinkle, until I hear ringing.

"Hello, you're speaking with Maureen, how can I help you today?" She says it in a way that can only be described as chirping through gritted teeth, the way I do when I meet someone I can't stand, my voice becomes high pitched as I scream out "Hi - so lovely to meet you", while wearing a Stepford wife smile and internally chanting "twat, twat, twat".

"Maureen, my name is Marbles and I need to confirm some details regarding my banking. I was promised a letter two weeks ago and have not yet received it."

"Sure. Can I have your customer number, please?"

Have I not just been through this? "I don't know what it is. I use an account number."

"That contravenes our banking policy. You have to have a customer number," says Maureen putting on her stern and slightly patronising voice. Steady on, honey, I didn't press 3.

"Okay. Well can I have my customer number?"

"Sure." She says chirping up again."Okay that's done. We know have to set up 15 different sets of security codes that will help the bank identify you. Each code must be a series of numbers and letters and cannot be a birthday or significant other's birthday. Can I set those up for you now?"

"Uhm, no, can we do that next time, please?"

"Well, if we don't,  we won't be able to help you from the call centre - so I suggest we go through the process now and then it'll be done for you."

"Okay then sure," I say, seeing my life slip away from me. Headlines tomorrow will be "Body found of woman bored to death setting up numerous and unnecessary codes with her bank." Key quotes from people that know me will follow the tune, "she didn't enjoy process" "she never much liked talking to people at her bank." "She always prefered to email enquiries, so that she wouldn't get stuck in conversations where there was no way out."


"Thanks for your patience.  How can I help you today?"

"Well as I mentioned, I am wanting to confirm details and wondering if you can either fax or email me the confirmation letter I was supposed to receive a short while ago?"

"We don't fax or email those details. You'll have to request a letter."

"Uhm, yes, I did and it didn't arrive, can we find another solution, please Maureen?"

"No, I'm sorry madam, you'll have to request another letter."

Huge sigh, "Fine, can I please request another letter and hopefully, this one, has the good sense to arrive."

"I'm sure it will arrive," She says, barbed. "However, if you do want another letter, I will have to put you through to one of our Specialists and they can look after your request."

"Didn't I press the right buttons for this request?"

"Oh, yes,  you did, but we have a "Specialist Centre" that can organise the letter for you. I can't help you with that, I'm afraid. I'll just put you through to the queue now. Thank you."

F*ck! If you don't have the authority to post a letter, what is it that you can do? I am beginning to feel that time has come to a grinding hault as I am assailed by aggressive elevator music. I'm reminded of Gotye track and quietly hum to myself, "You've been placed in a queue..." while trying to make eletronic sounds with the bits and pieces on my desk. Several minutes later, I'm transfered to Mumbai.

" 'Allo, you're speaking wth Prakesh, how can I assist you today?"

"Hi, Prakesh, I'm Marbles and I am hoping that you can confirm some details for me over the phone and then send me a letter."

"Of course, can I have your customer number, please?"

Here we go again with the freaking customer number. Here's my series of digits that identify me to you. Where is your customer number, why don't you identify yourself to me? Huh? Urk this bites.

"Okay, can I have your first name, please?"

I think I might have just said this, but okay, let's play this game, "Marbles"

"What was it you wanted to sort out today?"

You have to be kidding me right? Did I not just say this? Deep inhalation, think yoga thoughts. "Prakesh, I need to confirm some details and I am hoping that you can send me a letter to confirm?" My eyebrows are raised in what I hope are a cheery expression and the corners of my mouth turn upwards in what I believe to be a smile, in a bid to curtail my growing frustration at having to repeat myself. I actually just probably look like Jack Nicholson's:  The Joker.

"Marbles, I can see that you've been sent a letter two weeks ago confirming that information."

"Precisely, Prakesh, it hasn't arrived yet, that's why I'm calling. I need it in writing from your bank. Since it's only being sent from Adelaide, I think it's safe to say it's probably got lost in the mail."

"Well, Marbles, it still might turn up, we allow three weeks for postal delivery. I would wait until next week and if it hasn't turned up by then, call us back."

"But, Prakesh, I've been on the phone for some 40 minutes now, and I just would like you to verbally confirm something and then re-send the letter, I don't have time to call back next week and have this same conversation."

"Marbles, I cannot send you the letter, you'll need to wait another week."

What the hell? Why not? "Prakesh, I'll pay for the paper, envelope and the postage, I just want the agreement in writing, please."

"No need to pay for these items, madam, the agreement is in writing, in the mail and will be with you next week."

"Okay fine," I say, verbally stamping my feet, "Can you please confirm the details with me over the phone, so I know that what the bank says is going to be done has been done?"

"Of course, madam, I will have to put you through to another section of the bank and they can help you with your enquiry. Just transfering you now."

Come the f8ck on.

Headlines now read, "New inmate for Mental Asylum. Husband said bank literally drove her mad."