The opposable thumb theory.

It's a little Bridget Jones, but...9234 steps and an awesome yoga session. But somehow managed to consumer 400 sausage rolls and imbibe 600 litres of wine.

I was drinking yesterday afternoon/last night with some friends who were once colleagues. While we drank, ate and laughed hysterically, the conversation inevitably turned to work. The drunker we got the louder we became and the more stories were told, more emphatically. Up to the point when one of these fabulous friends told a story of how she managed to tell her manager to, unequivocally, f*ck off and get f*cked.

We all took a giant inward breath. Eek.

A few years ago I lived with another friend who would remind me that we have opposable thumbs any time I mentioned that I wanted to tell someone what I thought of them in a business environment. My friend used to say that having opposable thumbs meant we are able to make choices - and so good choices should be made (or similar - I was drunk most of the time when we lived together). I have since modified this theory to mean that when I want to tell someone what I think of them, tactlessly, like telling someone in authority they are a major douche bag and are potentially the most annoying, vacuous, one-eyed person with the worst case of halitosis, I have ever met, I remember my opposable thumbs and say the complete opposite.

It might be considered lying or duplicitous, but it is the only way I know to keep my sanity and get through some of the ludicrousness. The problem is that somewhere along the line saying the opposite, has somehow become my way of saying what I mean. For instance I seem to have convinced myself that when I say, "Thank you for your feedback, that's most valuable, what a salient point, I'll take that on board," what I hear is "Yeah, good one douche bag. You're a massive fulltard."

When I mentioned this theory to my friend last night as a potential strategy to employ next time she speaks with her manager she asked, "how do you do that?"

Easy, I seem to have reprogrammed my brain to think that when I say a business buzzword that I am insulting the person. It amuses me (and some of my colleagues who know me well), that while seemingly placating folks who think they are doing me a favour, I am secretly, in my own tiny way with my not so cleverly disguised code, brushing idiot suggestions aside. In my line of work everyone thinks they have the skills to do the job. In fact, they probably do, it's not rocket science, but then what is, except maybe rocket science and accounting. So when people tell me how to do my job - like it's my first day in the industry, I say "absolutely, what a great idea, I'll take that on board." Meanwhile, internally rolling my eyes.

I used to work with someone who liked to think he was a bit of a guru at what I do all day. He would constantly give me what he felt was vital and innovative feedback. While my opposable thumb approach is sometimes flawed and I would occasionally  stare wide eyed and slack jawed at some of the more ridiculous suggestions he made, on a good day, I would say, "What a salient point, hadn't thought of that myself. I'll take it on board."  And sometimes when he would bang on about things, I would say "I hear you, I really do."
For some reason, perhaps due to his own reprogramming, he heard: "you're the smartest person I have ever met, oh how do I even manage to breathe without your valuable insight and guidance.  Thank you oh wise one." One side of his mouth would turn up, in an arrogant smile, he would cock his head slightly to the side and wink at me, in his way, giving me a little patronising pat on the head. All while I was comforted in the knowledge that I had practically told him to stick his silly ideas where the sun refuses to shine.

Hopefully, if the opposable thumb theory catches on, we can create harmonious workplaces where anyone who has ever had to work with someone who might not be quite up to the task will be able to smile, Steppford Wife style, and get on with their day, yet in their own little way, they've managed to tell someone to f*ck off and get f*cked (without any negative repercussions).



 (On a more serious note, I have to say, that I have worked with some amazing, brilliant and sharp minds - and while some of my posts are about the fools that I have  worked with, I have also been blessed with working with and learning from some incredibly smart, funny, and mind-blowingly talented people in the business all with wonderful perspectives, that have helped guide and shape my thinking as well as teach me about things that I didn't know I didn't know. But then they're not that funny to blog about. Mx)